Friday the 13th

No, I am not superstitious. In fact, I expect today to be a good day. I woke up in anxiety. I have come to the decision that I need to leave my old church's Friday night recovery team. It won't be easy to tell everyone, I have some good friends there & will miss them. But it's time. The whole time I am there, I can feel & sometimes hear God saying, "why are you still here?" Two weeks ago our speaker spoke of holding onto things separating us from God. She used the context of people still wanting to follow Saul after God clearly chose David to be king instead. She asked the question, 'What are you still holding onto after God has said, "we're moving on." Without missing a beat, I hear in my head "This!, This is what you are holding onto." I've not felt comfortable there since. Since I am an assistant group leader, I can't just stop going. I have to let them know. Everyone has been gracious when finding out I've left that church, so I don't fear reactions, but it still makes me anxious. I will be giving my 2 week notice tonight, & Sept 27th will be my last trip to that church. I've found a smaller, much closer church that I am enjoying.

I've realized that, although I do believe Jesus was God in the flesh & died for all of everyone's sins & was raised from the dead, & He is a living God, there is so much else that's "biblical" that I do not agree with. I'll never find a church that I agree with 100%, maybe not even 80%. But I can take what makes sense to me & leave the rest, much like I did with parenting books. We don't live mainstream lives, and mainstream religion doesn't fit any of us. But I do enjoy being able to worship God with many people & cry out as loudly as I want to. I was a Christian long before I found a church, and I can see myself as an unchurcher again. But I do want to get to know about this church & make some friends there. My relationship with God does not exist in a building. He is always with me. I can talk to Him at any time. I feel him most in nature. Getting my hands in the earth, smelling fresh dirt, or rain, or freshly cut grass all make me feel close to Him.

Getting better all the time...

In the past almost - 3 months I've tried 4 different antidepressants. My mood stabilizer & anxiety meds have stayed the same. It got bad, and each change was worse. It seemed as the depression got better, the anxiety got worse. So I finally asked my doctor to let me go back on what I had been on for 8 years. He agreed & I have been getting better since. It's been 2 weeks now. I am feeling pretty good most of the time. My reactions are more appropriate. I am weaning down the anxiety med dosage. I don't sleep so great, but once I can fall asleep I could sleep all day. I keep trying to remember to take my medicine earlier, but it doesn't seem to matter. My body wants to sleep til noon. But, that was my "norm" before. It's just my body clock. My psychiatrist is retiring at the end of November. My GP was prescribing my meds as long as things were stable, so I am hoping he will do so again. I really don't want to look for a new psychiatrist.

I have cut most ties with my old church, without any flack. I must admit, a lot of my anxiety had been over this. I was too involved to just slip away, I had to tell people. I am still involved with the Friday night recovery program, but last week our speaker spoke about what we are holding onto after God has said, "we're moving on." I believe those meetings are what I am clinging to, and I need to let them go too. Many people there don't attend that church, but I am considered a leader there. I think one of the things that did me in there was my volunteering & having titles (and name badges). That all made it about me. I was in the loop. I wish I hadn't been, because now I know too much. I've attended a smaller church very close to home 3 times now, and I do like it. I'm not quite sure if it's where I'll stay, but I'm giving it a try.

Crappy

So I saw my psychiatrist 2 weeks ago. It went great. I was in his office for an hour and a half. He put me on Seroquel & Cymbalta, & increased my Klonipin. I felt much better quickly. But after a week, I had to stop the Cymbalta because it was making me nauseated. Doc said just stop taking it & we'd figure out something else at my next appointment. So I've been on nothing during the day for a week now, and have a week to go before my next appointment. I feel horrible. I am sleeping well, and I am not having anxiety (the Seroquel & Klonipin take care of that), but I am in a foul mood. Just angry. I called today to request an earlier appointment, but the doc & nurse are out of the office today, so I will not hear back from her until tomorrow. I just want to run away. I want to peel off my flesh and just run from it. I feel very impulsive, but since I know it's the lack of meds, I have , so far, been able to keep it under control. I haven't snapped at anyone yet, at least not out loud. DH stayed home today because of back pain. When he stays home, he sleeps all day. That makes me feel like I'm not worth being awake for. He's probably just hiding from me, and who can blame him. G stays up very late, so he won't wake up for a few hours yet. So in a house full of my family, I am alone. And I don't want to be around me either.

Some good days

Monday was a decent day. It began early with Hubby showing me the huge kidney stone he passed. We had an unexpected, very welcomed visit from some dear friends. It was very cathartic to be able to talk to someone who gets me, & gets what I'm going through. Of course, by the evening that had changed. I watched far too much coverage of the tornado disaster in OK. Since Katrina, I really have to be careful about watching disaster coverage. I slept horribly - was awake til 4am, then had disturbing dreams until I got up at 11am.

Tuesday was better. G & I spent a lot of the day together. He's on a teenager's clock right now, living on about 28 hrs for a "day". So lately, many days he wasn't up til late afternoon. But it's coming around again. He's sleeping from about 6pm til 2am so he's awake when I get up. We enjoyed a lot of talking. He's been doing some writing, and has shared some of it with me. Not only is the content very good, his writing style is amazing for someone who's never had a grammar lesson. :)

I couldn't sleep again last night, even after taking a klonopin. We had terrible storms all night, so all 3 dogs ended up in bed with us. The sun is finally shining, but the yard is full of water. I'm looking forward to church tonight, mostly for the companionship. My in-real-life people will be there & I'll get plenty of much needed hugs.

6 days til I see my psychiatrist...

A bit better

So, this week has been pretty good. I've spent more time outside, which always helps. I found out we have a nesting Eastern Bluebird in our bird house. She's got the tiniest 4 blue eggs.


I also got a new bird feeder that I can see from my desk. The cardinals are loving it.


I did some gardening too, and there's just something special about getting your hands in the earth. Nothing feels quite like it.

Up & Down

So, I am still having rapid cycling bipolar crap. The lows are not as low as a few days ago (which I feel confirms my suspicion that the half margarita I had last weekend was a bad idea). It's going to be a long 18 days til my appointment.

I'm busy crocheting a blanket in stolen moments for my newest great-nephew, lil T. I hope to get to see him next week.

Good day, bad day

Today I became a great aunt for the 5th time. My oldest nephew & his wife had a baby boy this morning. It's his first child. A long awaited, long wished for child.

But the bad has overshadowed this great news. I've been deeply depressed for 2 days now, always at the point of tears. I know it's in part circumstantial. My close friend has been dealing with one bad blow after another for the past year, culminating with the death of her husband 6 months ago. It's been a hard 6 months for her, and it's been very hard to watch and unable to really help. Two weeks ago G told me he doesn't really believe in God anymore. This after a year in my church's student ministry. The first time I put my child in the hands of someone else and we were both failed miserably. Hubby's back continues to hurt him at all times, with occasional "bad" days which are coming more & more often. And of course, that's effected our finances. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that he has a job, a good job, & works for good people, but we are just making it with nothing left over.

I was able to get an appointment in 3 weeks with the best psychiatrist I've ever seen. It's been 16 years since I've seen him. I had to stop because we lost our insurance, and then we got it again, it was a plan he didn't accept. For most of that time, my meds have been managed by my GP. I've done well on the medicine I take & have been at the same dosage for almost 8 years. I hope he's willing to start with just upping my dosage. I hate starting new meds. Either way, my GP isn't comfortable adjusting my meds. That's okay, I really like the psychiatrist I'll be seeing. He actually listened to me when I had other doctors wanting to try out different meds on me. That was a horrible 3 years (98-01). When I had to go back on prescriptions in 98, the psychiatrist I was able to get in with was just horrible. I left him after 3 years. For about 2 years after that, I did well on St. John's Wort, then ended up getting my prescriptions from my GP.

I have also come to the conclusion that I cannot consume alcohol at all. Not that I've ever been much of a drinker, but I'd have the occasional glass of wine at a wedding or other celebrations (maybe twice a year). Last weekend, I had half of a margarita & I think that is part of why I feel so bad. It's like it wipes the meds right out of my system & I'm starting from scratch. I also cannot miss even 1 dose without landing in this pit, so that's why I'm hoping to just up the dosage of my current medicine. It works, but just barely.

So pray for me if you are so inclined. I'll also take positive vibes and thoughts from those of you who do not pray.

Looks like I need to retract my last post...

It's COLD today! Not comfortable, not cool, cold! It's the 3rd of May, and it's 53° outside at 4:30pm. Yes, I know friends up north dealing with snow this late, but come on. This is Louisiana for goodness' sake! Tonight's low is forecast at 41° with a high of 61° tomorrow. Bundle up, people!

Spring!

It's officially Spring. Many things have been blooming and the birds and squirrels are out in droves. It's been cool anyway, many mornings are still in the upper 40s. But I think we've finally reached the 60s - 70s consistently. Hopefully it'll stay here a while before full on summer 90s get here.


This is a lousy photograph. It's taken through a dirty window and fully zoomed. But I can't get past the color of this bird. It's just so blue! I don't think it's a Bluebird and it's not Blue Jay. It's beak & body actually look like a cardinal. But it's just so blue!

This is an Iris that found it's way under my Live Oak. A few years ago I noticed one & each year there are more and more. I counted 14 today. They bloom for a day, then re-bud and bloom again in a couple of days.

Yesterday I found my first hibiscus bloom. None of my hibiscus plants lost all of their greenery this mild winter, so I should have 5 or 6 months of blooms from them.

I bought a couple of hanging baskets of petunias & they are still blooming like crazy. Tomorrow I will separate and repot them. Hopefully they'll keep blooming after that stress.

This year, I added a bird feeder to our tree near the house so I can enjoy it from the computer. For the most part, I've seen squirrels at it (which is fine to me). I'll often see Cardinals at the base of the tree eating seeds that the squirrels have dropped. But today I caught a Woodpecker at it.

Our dogs are really enjoying the weather too -

Friday night party

"Friday night party" has long been a joke in our home. While Hubby was in college, we both worked in restaurants, so Friday nights were our busiest night. That's not to say there wasn't partying going on after work, but "Friday night party" meant anything but a party. Once G was born and it was clear he was a night animal, the meaning changed once again. We were still up quite late on Friday nights. Then, as he got older & the sleep overs began, once again "Friday night party" changed. It often involved going to pick up a fellow unschooler much past what others would have considered "bed time".

Two years ago, the meaning changed once again. I was in a weight loss support group at my church, and that group was merged with the Friday night addiction support groups. Called New Beginnings, it is for anyone who struggles with anything that comes between them and all the freedom God has for them. Of course, it deals with drugs and alcohol, but there are many more addictions - gambling, shopping, sex, food, self injury & more. There's also support groups for parents of addicts, spouses of addicts, and our newest group is for military vets with PTSD. Anything that binds us and needs to be broken can be dealt with. It's an incredible setting to be the imperfect creatures we are and to support one another. Too often, Christians are afraid to appear imperfect. We paint on our church smiles and hide the pain we are really feeling. What a waste of time. If you can't be broken at church, what's the point? Don't we come to the Lord for healing? Don't we need Him because we are imperfect?

I've learned that addiction is addiction. Whatever the addictive behavior, we are all looking for relief from something. I've also learned that, although God wants us to get better, He loves us where we are. He's not waiting for us to fix ourselves. After all, only He can do that fixing. We are invited and welcome just as we are, right where we are. I have no doubt that some people attend our meetings "using". But they show up anyway. And that's the beginning of healing - to show up anyway & keep trying. God never gives up on us, and we should never give up on ourselves.

I have met and made close friendships with so many people at my new "Friday night parties". We share fears, imperfections, experiences, successes, tears, joy, and much love. And I'm home by 9:30.

Is it weird...

to post on the internet that you are sick of the internet? I guess it's not really the internet. I'm just looking for something positive to read & not coming up with much. It's a mess in my brain right now. Really a mess. Weirdly so. I feel dull inside, not really empty or down or anything else. Just dull. These are the days I get nothing done. I'm frozen in nothingness. Then I run through the possible reasons of why. Hormones? Meds? Steroid eye drops? Too much "news"? Too many saved articles I want to read but never get to? Too much uncertainty within my church? Too much time stuck at home? Probably a bit of all of the above. I've been sleeping a lot, which causes strange dreams that mess me up for the day.

Okay, so I had to step away for about an hour. I don't feel any better. I hate this. It can probably be attributed to the steroid eye drops. Steroids really mess up my meds. But when I have a uveitis flare, I really don't have any choice. Oral steroids would be worse, or at least I think they would. I guess I really need to talk with my ophthalmologist about it. I only have 2 or 3 flares a year, but when I do, it's rough. And I have to wean off the drops over 3 or 4 days after the flare clears up (usually a week or less).

Anyway, if I wait til all is well to journal, I'll end up not doing it at all. And I need to get some of this out, even if only a few people (or none) read it.

Oh, here's something happy I can share. G, who hates to write, asked for post-it notes a few nights ago. Later I found this on his TV:

Hump day

I hate when my body attacks me. That's just a part of having an autoimmune disorder. I'm having a uveitis flare and it hurts. And the drops that help the pain cause very blurred vision. You would laugh if you saw how large I have the print set on my screen. Still, please forgive any errors. I've also been having more hip pain than usual - another "inflammation where it doesn't belong" issue. Stress is causing this. There's no big issue stressing me out. But lots of little things. The dumbest of which is what I will do when my church names it's newest lead pastor later this month. Nothing I can do about it then or now, but still my mind reels.

My doc & I tried to lower the dosage on my anti-anxiety meds - no go. For the most part, I'm good. The last 2 weeks were rough (thanks in part on missed dosages), but each day is better. I'm cycling quickly right now, and for me that's the worst. I don't like not knowing what my mood will be in 10 minutes. But thankfully, the cycles are quick, but not very deep. No "I'm invincible" mania, & no "I want to die" depression. It could be worse. :)

This is an Easter Lily that I bought for $2 the day after Easter. I chose it because it had 3 buds on it. The first finally opened over the weekend.

Two points of view

G has been teaching himself guitar for about 2 years now. He's quite good. Several weeks ago, I shared a few videos of him playing. My niece's husband(A) got in touch with me to let me know he has a friend with a recording studio. He invited us to come check it out. It's down in NO, & we finally got to go Saturday. We met at A's house & followed him to the studio. It wasn't anything huge, but certainly big enough to work in. And we found it quite impressive. G got to play his own guitar, then 2 others belonging to the studio owner. There was a drum set there, & G tried that out too.


They spent time in the mixing room. G even got to do a couple of "play a longs". The song was played with the guitar track dropped out, so the guitar you hear is G playing. It was an amazing day. I was so excited that we were able to give him this experience. Everyone thought he played great, and A even talked of getting G some software for recording and editing. He offered for G to spend a few days with them in the summer to spend the evenings at the studio when there'd be a band practicing. Just a wonderful experience.


Or so we thought. That evening, I could tell G was not happy. I told him his playing had been awesome. He disagreed. I asked if he'd had fun & he shrugged, "Not really." And the self bashing began. He claims to only be average for the amount of time he puts into it. He said he wishes that everyone would stop freaking out because he can play the guitar, that the studio wasn't what he expected, that he wasn't interested in the software. I couldn't understand how we had all thought he'd done great and he was so disappointed. Then I remembered he's 14. That time of life where things either "rule" or "suck" with nothing in between. He'd felt stressed out because he doesn't hear what we hear.

So, though I know I have to back off, I begin to worry. I want to help him find & develop his passions. I want to help him grow with everything. I want him to meet people who share his likes. And I told him so. He laughed, saying I was doing just as I had done when he was younger, trying to find stuff to expose him to when he didn't want that. There were many cool (to me) field trips that he said no to, and often the ones he said yes to where more about the people he'd be with than the experience. He's even more of an introvert than I realized. He says he just wants to be alone. He says all day he's reminded that he's not alone when he hears our footsteps in the hall. But he's saying all of this with a smile on his face. He really does want to be alone, he's not withdrawing because he's depressed. It took a while for me to really get it. He likes to be alone. Completely alone.

So once again, the "what is he learning" bug bit me. And once again, I have to remember it's not about me at all. He's going to be fine.

Time to feel better

While I am on a spiritual journey to find my freedom (don't mis-read that, I am not walking away from Christianity, just trying to let go of the legalism that's crept into my life), I am also going on a physical journey. I weigh far more than most people would think I do, and I feel very fat. I don't hate what I see in the mirror, but I don't like it either. If I am going to live another 40 or more years, I have to get moving more. My arthritis feels better when I get moving, and my mood improves too. I was recently gifted a stationary bike, & it sits in the living room, quite conveniently. But still, I have gone days without using it. No more. If all I can do is 5 minutes at a time, I can still do that several times a day. And I will be. I will not be getting on the scale. I just want my clothes to fit better, and my body to feel better. Little changes like taking the stairs instead of the elevator and not trying to get the closest parking spot will add up in time.

My time will be spent reading my bible out loud (I get it much more so that way) and riding the bike. I'd even like to start taking the dogs on walks before our "spring" blooms into full blown summer heat. I just need to make it a habit. I left facebook for 12 days. I'm not longer in the habit of checking every 5 minutes to see if anyone had posted anything. Once a day, to check in on my friends and find articles I want to read, is all I need.

Visiting

So yesterday G & I spent the day with my parents. My dad had knee replacement surgery about 3 weeks ago. All went well with the surgery, but after going home, he began vomiting blood clots & ended up back in the hospital. A scope showed a tear in his esophagus. It was too large to cauterize, so they left it alone & kept him NPO for a few days. He had 4 units of blood, & slowly stopped passing it. So back home he went. He's looking good, but tires easily. He got us a new tire for my car, & that outing did him in. It was a good visit. G's letting his hair grow out & they both commented how much they like it. Who are these people, :) ? They didn't like hubby G's long hair when we were dating. It's really nice to see them actually enjoying G. I'm truly happy for them. Somewhere along the line, they lost their fear of "what will the neighbor's think?" and they can just enjoy people now. It would have been nice if they'd been that way 30 years ago, but better now than never.

This is Miss Beulla, our nearly 16 year old cat. She's nothing but hair, probably not even 5 pounds, but all the dogs know not to go near her.

Trial for mobile users

This should be a clickable link - Sneaux 2008

Letting go a little

For the past several months, I have been a prayer partner at my church. If you're unfamiliar with that term, I was one of the people at the altar available to pray with anyone wanting prayer after service. It's something I take very seriously. But I see now, I got there before I was ready. I'd often feel unhelpful or struggle for the words to pray. It was something I wanted to do, because I know how much it helped me when I'd been the one needing prayer. But as time passed, I felt less prepared to do it, rather than more. It's not where God wants me. So today, I sent off my resignation email, praying for no negative responses. My leader sent back the nicest, most gracious note of understanding and thanks. I feel so at peace with this decision. I want to spend more time praying and learning about God and less time thinking about church. I still plan to attend, but this will allow me to spend more time at home with my love.

A good day

Sunday was a good day. I stayed home, but watched 2 church services (same speaker, different message). I enjoyed them. But it was really nice to do it at home. Church is about a 40 minute drive, and the volunteering I'd been doing required I arrive 40 minutes before the service began. And since Son was involved with a youth group service @ 9am, we had to be there @ 8:20 so I'd be on time. Then we'd stay for the 11:15 service so he could see that message too. The youth group usually sit together for this. So we'd be gone from 7:40am til about 2pm, factoring in the inevitable need to stop at WalMart for a few things. I'd be so tired, I'd conk out on the sofa & next thing I'd know, it'd be 6pm! Then the stress of calls to know "what's for dinner?". Then the "oh no! Does Hubby have clean clothes for work tomorrow" moment. It was just so nice to have that extra time with my guys.

I got up at 8:30, watch the 9:00 service, raked and blew leaves in the back & side yards. It was a beautiful day. I even transplanted a few potted plants. I got a lot of yard cleaning done. Hubby cut the grass yesterday, & today all of our neighbors did too. It looks and smells so wonderful out there. The birds are just devouring the seed as fast as I can refill the feeder. My humming bird feeder has been emptying quickly lately too. I need to snap a shot of those guys.


Amaryllis

They Will Know We Are Christians by our Love

I'm testing posting videos, but this one is very meaningful for me.

Seasons change...

So, I'm going through a season change. I'm not really sure what I'll end up sharing here. I'm taking a Facebook break just to break the habit of going there to see if anyone has posted anything new. I'll go back, but I'll use it differently. I want what I share to have more substance, and I also really like keeping up with friends & family through photographs shared there.

Right now, my focus is on what part I will continue to play in my church, and what part it will play in my life. I've been an unchurched Christian before, & I'm not against being one again. Big changes are happening at our church, so I'm not making any final decisions at this point. I'm keeping my mind, and my eyes, wide open. So I'll probably do a lot of sharing about that journey.

I also want to get back into my photography. I see returning to photography as a "job" in my near future, so I need to get back to taking pictures everyday. I love it, and, if I may say so myself, I'm pretty good at it. I also have the student loan to prove I should be good at it. :)

My amazing son has been teaching himself guitar for about 2 years now, & he's really good at it. We all enjoy how music has brought us together. We're radical unschoolers (which most of my readers probably already know) and it continues to be an amazing journey through which we have all grown so much. I'm really looking forward to getting back to deep conversations with my hubby & my son, which has suffered from my misuse of facebook.

Spring is trying very hard to overtake our mild winter. Things are blooming in the warmth of the day, but we're still having chilly nights. It's south Louisiana, and we've had night temps this week in the 30s! I just hope summer doesn't take over too quickly. I want to do some gardening before it's too hot to go outside.

Squirrel