Friday the 13th

No, I am not superstitious. In fact, I expect today to be a good day. I woke up in anxiety. I have come to the decision that I need to leave my old church's Friday night recovery team. It won't be easy to tell everyone, I have some good friends there & will miss them. But it's time. The whole time I am there, I can feel & sometimes hear God saying, "why are you still here?" Two weeks ago our speaker spoke of holding onto things separating us from God. She used the context of people still wanting to follow Saul after God clearly chose David to be king instead. She asked the question, 'What are you still holding onto after God has said, "we're moving on." Without missing a beat, I hear in my head "This!, This is what you are holding onto." I've not felt comfortable there since. Since I am an assistant group leader, I can't just stop going. I have to let them know. Everyone has been gracious when finding out I've left that church, so I don't fear reactions, but it still makes me anxious. I will be giving my 2 week notice tonight, & Sept 27th will be my last trip to that church. I've found a smaller, much closer church that I am enjoying.

I've realized that, although I do believe Jesus was God in the flesh & died for all of everyone's sins & was raised from the dead, & He is a living God, there is so much else that's "biblical" that I do not agree with. I'll never find a church that I agree with 100%, maybe not even 80%. But I can take what makes sense to me & leave the rest, much like I did with parenting books. We don't live mainstream lives, and mainstream religion doesn't fit any of us. But I do enjoy being able to worship God with many people & cry out as loudly as I want to. I was a Christian long before I found a church, and I can see myself as an unchurcher again. But I do want to get to know about this church & make some friends there. My relationship with God does not exist in a building. He is always with me. I can talk to Him at any time. I feel him most in nature. Getting my hands in the earth, smelling fresh dirt, or rain, or freshly cut grass all make me feel close to Him.