Sunday, July 12, 2015

2015_07_12 Birthday party!

I enjoyed a fun day celebrating Mikey and Chase's birthdays. They are growing up too fast!




Mikey and Joseph


Joseph blowing out Chase's candles

Chase and Mikey




Saturday, May 9, 2015

2015_05_09 Tristan's 2nd birthday

These little boys are all growing too fast!


Tristan and Mikey










Tristan and Lilly


Happy Birthday, little man!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Over a year...

Wow, over a year since my last post. Let's see if I can remember what I want to remember :)

On October 30, 2013, my nephew & his wife welcomed their 4th & final son, Ryan. And I was honored to be asked to be his godmother. He lives only an hour away, but life has gotten in the way too many times. I've only visited him 4 or 5 times. Thanks to Facebook, I've been able to see him grow. I've not seen great-nephew Tristan enough either. He's nearly 18 months old. He doesn't live far either, but they live a very busy life. Again, I know him through pictures. I pray circumstances allow me to see them both more often. Soon enough, they'll be busy with school & sports. This is Ryan, Mike (Ryan's dad), & Tristan, just a few weeks ago:

We had a low key Thanksgiving with my parents, and an even more low key Christmas at home. I'd crocheted gifts for all of the kids. But they sat here for a long time. G kept asking why I didn't just mail them. My thinking was that if I mailed the gifts, I wouldn't see the kids. I needed to deliver them. We had an unusually cold winter. The caps & scarves I'd crocheted could have been used many times, but they sat here. I finally did mail the gifts, before Easter, but not by much. We did have one cold snap after I sent the gifts, but it really made me determined to get the gifts to them before Christmas. If we get to visit, wonderful! But if we don't, the gifts will be taken care of. Right now, I have no idea what I'm getting any of them, but it will come together before Christmas.

Then January 9th, Hubby G fell in our kitchen. In trying to break his fall, he tore his left bicep and his right rotator cuff. In March, he had surgery on the bicep. The doc was unable to pull the muscle down to meet the elbow, so it was pulled as far as possible, and stitched to another muscle. It has a bit of a Popeye look. That's healed well, but he needs to work on rebuilding the muscles. In June, he had surgery to repair the rotator cuff. In the beginning, the doc didn't think the cuff was torn because of the mobility & strength Hubby had. An MRI showed 2 tears, and after surgery, the nurses & doc all referred to it as a large tear. That's healing well too, though he does still have pain with little exertion. He needs to exercise them both much more than he does, but... He still has back pain too. Exercise would help that too, but...

Sometime in early spring, DS G became interested in basketball. It started with an NBA video game. Then he found a ball in our garage. With little searching, we found a family with a goal they were willing to part with. He plays a few hours everyday. His dad & I play with him often, and he'll have a friend over now & again to play with. He went to a few beginning practices with a team, and though he's glad for the experience, but that was all he wanted. So he's retreated into his young-man-cave again. I was so impressed with how he handled himself meeting boys he didn't know & how he followed coach's instructions & how well he did in that environment.

He continues to play his guitar from time to time. It's going to be something he always has, but he's not interested in expanding that into lessons (he's self taught) or being part of a band. It's just for enjoyment, as basketball is. From time to time he'll mention a possible vocation, but I think he'll be like his dad - working for a few years before figuring out what he really wants to do. College may or may not be a part of that plan, but I doubt it'll happen at 18. But who knows? The kid can handle himself well and can learn anything. This weekend I found him talking with a new neighbor who was practicing archery. Maybe he'll want to learn about that too.

We've also had some loss in the year. In early August, my 101.5 yo great-uncle passed away. He was healthy, but in a residential home. He truly lived until he died. Here he is with 2 of my great nephews, JoJo & Mikey:

Then about 2 weeks later, we lost my cousin Brandy to brain cancer. She'd fought for nearly 6 long, hard years. She passed just days before her 10th wedding anniversary. She leaves behind a husband, 8 yo son, a sister & a niece & 2 nephews, and her parents. She also had a large in-law family and was very active in the local community. She never stopped, never gave in. I love this picture of her. She's carrying her heels, turning to walk away, wearing her ever present smile. It's as though she's saying "See you later!"

Then, on September 2nd, we lost our dog Sugar. She's left a big hole in our family. I notice the other dogs looking for her. It's been bittersweet watching Bullitt & Missy learn to play together. I miss her terribly. She caused so much chaos in our lives. I miss it. We had to let her go because she began attacking Bullitt. Every time it would happen, we thought we'd found the trigger, and changed things accordingly. The 2nd to last time it happened, DS G & I both got bitten trying to pry her jaw open. I have nerve damage in my finger, and I am so thankful for the reminder that she was here. She was dumped in our neighborhood about 6 years ago, and I know she came from an abusive home. But something from that was still in her, & she'd just snap & attack him. The last two occurances were just 5 weeks apart, & there was no trigger for the last one. We looked for a way to rehome her, but realized she'd be untrustable. So we move forward, knowing we gave her a great life for 6 years. She was never left alone, never felt fear, never felt pain. It totally sucks, it was not her fault. She was a good dog who had a bad life before coming to us.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Friday the 13th

No, I am not superstitious. In fact, I expect today to be a good day. I woke up in anxiety. I have come to the decision that I need to leave my old church's Friday night recovery team. It won't be easy to tell everyone, I have some good friends there & will miss them. But it's time. The whole time I am there, I can feel & sometimes hear God saying, "why are you still here?" Two weeks ago our speaker spoke of holding onto things separating us from God. She used the context of people still wanting to follow Saul after God clearly chose David to be king instead. She asked the question, 'What are you still holding onto after God has said, "we're moving on." Without missing a beat, I hear in my head "This!, This is what you are holding onto." I've not felt comfortable there since. Since I am an assistant group leader, I can't just stop going. I have to let them know. Everyone has been gracious when finding out I've left that church, so I don't fear reactions, but it still makes me anxious. I will be giving my 2 week notice tonight, & Sept 27th will be my last trip to that church. I've found a smaller, much closer church that I am enjoying.

I've realized that, although I do believe Jesus was God in the flesh & died for all of everyone's sins & was raised from the dead, & He is a living God, there is so much else that's "biblical" that I do not agree with. I'll never find a church that I agree with 100%, maybe not even 80%. But I can take what makes sense to me & leave the rest, much like I did with parenting books. We don't live mainstream lives, and mainstream religion doesn't fit any of us. But I do enjoy being able to worship God with many people & cry out as loudly as I want to. I was a Christian long before I found a church, and I can see myself as an unchurcher again. But I do want to get to know about this church & make some friends there. My relationship with God does not exist in a building. He is always with me. I can talk to Him at any time. I feel him most in nature. Getting my hands in the earth, smelling fresh dirt, or rain, or freshly cut grass all make me feel close to Him.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Getting better all the time...

In the past almost - 3 months I've tried 4 different antidepressants. My mood stabilizer & anxiety meds have stayed the same. It got bad, and each change was worse. It seemed as the depression got better, the anxiety got worse. So I finally asked my doctor to let me go back on what I had been on for 8 years. He agreed & I have been getting better since. It's been 2 weeks now. I am feeling pretty good most of the time. My reactions are more appropriate. I am weaning down the anxiety med dosage. I don't sleep so great, but once I can fall asleep I could sleep all day. I keep trying to remember to take my medicine earlier, but it doesn't seem to matter. My body wants to sleep til noon. But, that was my "norm" before. It's just my body clock. My psychiatrist is retiring at the end of November. My GP was prescribing my meds as long as things were stable, so I am hoping he will do so again. I really don't want to look for a new psychiatrist.

I have cut most ties with my old church, without any flack. I must admit, a lot of my anxiety had been over this. I was too involved to just slip away, I had to tell people. I am still involved with the Friday night recovery program, but last week our speaker spoke about what we are holding onto after God has said, "we're moving on." I believe those meetings are what I am clinging to, and I need to let them go too. Many people there don't attend that church, but I am considered a leader there. I think one of the things that did me in there was my volunteering & having titles (and name badges). That all made it about me. I was in the loop. I wish I hadn't been, because now I know too much. I've attended a smaller church very close to home 3 times now, and I do like it. I'm not quite sure if it's where I'll stay, but I'm giving it a try.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


So I saw my psychiatrist 2 weeks ago. It went great. I was in his office for an hour and a half. He put me on Seroquel & Cymbalta, & increased my Klonipin. I felt much better quickly. But after a week, I had to stop the Cymbalta because it was making me nauseated. Doc said just stop taking it & we'd figure out something else at my next appointment. So I've been on nothing during the day for a week now, and have a week to go before my next appointment. I feel horrible. I am sleeping well, and I am not having anxiety (the Seroquel & Klonipin take care of that), but I am in a foul mood. Just angry. I called today to request an earlier appointment, but the doc & nurse are out of the office today, so I will not hear back from her until tomorrow. I just want to run away. I want to peel off my flesh and just run from it. I feel very impulsive, but since I know it's the lack of meds, I have , so far, been able to keep it under control. I haven't snapped at anyone yet, at least not out loud. DH stayed home today because of back pain. When he stays home, he sleeps all day. That makes me feel like I'm not worth being awake for. He's probably just hiding from me, and who can blame him. G stays up very late, so he won't wake up for a few hours yet. So in a house full of my family, I am alone. And I don't want to be around me either.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Some good days

Monday was a decent day. It began early with Hubby showing me the huge kidney stone he passed. We had an unexpected, very welcomed visit from some dear friends. It was very cathartic to be able to talk to someone who gets me, & gets what I'm going through. Of course, by the evening that had changed. I watched far too much coverage of the tornado disaster in OK. Since Katrina, I really have to be careful about watching disaster coverage. I slept horribly - was awake til 4am, then had disturbing dreams until I got up at 11am.

Tuesday was better. G & I spent a lot of the day together. He's on a teenager's clock right now, living on about 28 hrs for a "day". So lately, many days he wasn't up til late afternoon. But it's coming around again. He's sleeping from about 6pm til 2am so he's awake when I get up. We enjoyed a lot of talking. He's been doing some writing, and has shared some of it with me. Not only is the content very good, his writing style is amazing for someone who's never had a grammar lesson. :)

I couldn't sleep again last night, even after taking a klonopin. We had terrible storms all night, so all 3 dogs ended up in bed with us. The sun is finally shining, but the yard is full of water. I'm looking forward to church tonight, mostly for the companionship. My in-real-life people will be there & I'll get plenty of much needed hugs.

6 days til I see my psychiatrist...