Friday the 13th

No, I am not superstitious. In fact, I expect today to be a good day. I woke up in anxiety. I have come to the decision that I need to leave my old church's Friday night recovery team. It won't be easy to tell everyone, I have some good friends there & will miss them. But it's time. The whole time I am there, I can feel & sometimes hear God saying, "why are you still here?" Two weeks ago our speaker spoke of holding onto things separating us from God. She used the context of people still wanting to follow Saul after God clearly chose David to be king instead. She asked the question, 'What are you still holding onto after God has said, "we're moving on." Without missing a beat, I hear in my head "This!, This is what you are holding onto." I've not felt comfortable there since. Since I am an assistant group leader, I can't just stop going. I have to let them know. Everyone has been gracious when finding out I've left that church, so I don't fear reactions, but it still makes me anxious. I will be giving my 2 week notice tonight, & Sept 27th will be my last trip to that church. I've found a smaller, much closer church that I am enjoying.

I've realized that, although I do believe Jesus was God in the flesh & died for all of everyone's sins & was raised from the dead, & He is a living God, there is so much else that's "biblical" that I do not agree with. I'll never find a church that I agree with 100%, maybe not even 80%. But I can take what makes sense to me & leave the rest, much like I did with parenting books. We don't live mainstream lives, and mainstream religion doesn't fit any of us. But I do enjoy being able to worship God with many people & cry out as loudly as I want to. I was a Christian long before I found a church, and I can see myself as an unchurcher again. But I do want to get to know about this church & make some friends there. My relationship with God does not exist in a building. He is always with me. I can talk to Him at any time. I feel him most in nature. Getting my hands in the earth, smelling fresh dirt, or rain, or freshly cut grass all make me feel close to Him.

Getting better all the time...

In the past almost - 3 months I've tried 4 different antidepressants. My mood stabilizer & anxiety meds have stayed the same. It got bad, and each change was worse. It seemed as the depression got better, the anxiety got worse. So I finally asked my doctor to let me go back on what I had been on for 8 years. He agreed & I have been getting better since. It's been 2 weeks now. I am feeling pretty good most of the time. My reactions are more appropriate. I am weaning down the anxiety med dosage. I don't sleep so great, but once I can fall asleep I could sleep all day. I keep trying to remember to take my medicine earlier, but it doesn't seem to matter. My body wants to sleep til noon. But, that was my "norm" before. It's just my body clock. My psychiatrist is retiring at the end of November. My GP was prescribing my meds as long as things were stable, so I am hoping he will do so again. I really don't want to look for a new psychiatrist.

I have cut most ties with my old church, without any flack. I must admit, a lot of my anxiety had been over this. I was too involved to just slip away, I had to tell people. I am still involved with the Friday night recovery program, but last week our speaker spoke about what we are holding onto after God has said, "we're moving on." I believe those meetings are what I am clinging to, and I need to let them go too. Many people there don't attend that church, but I am considered a leader there. I think one of the things that did me in there was my volunteering & having titles (and name badges). That all made it about me. I was in the loop. I wish I hadn't been, because now I know too much. I've attended a smaller church very close to home 3 times now, and I do like it. I'm not quite sure if it's where I'll stay, but I'm giving it a try.

Crappy

So I saw my psychiatrist 2 weeks ago. It went great. I was in his office for an hour and a half. He put me on Seroquel & Cymbalta, & increased my Klonipin. I felt much better quickly. But after a week, I had to stop the Cymbalta because it was making me nauseated. Doc said just stop taking it & we'd figure out something else at my next appointment. So I've been on nothing during the day for a week now, and have a week to go before my next appointment. I feel horrible. I am sleeping well, and I am not having anxiety (the Seroquel & Klonipin take care of that), but I am in a foul mood. Just angry. I called today to request an earlier appointment, but the doc & nurse are out of the office today, so I will not hear back from her until tomorrow. I just want to run away. I want to peel off my flesh and just run from it. I feel very impulsive, but since I know it's the lack of meds, I have , so far, been able to keep it under control. I haven't snapped at anyone yet, at least not out loud. DH stayed home today because of back pain. When he stays home, he sleeps all day. That makes me feel like I'm not worth being awake for. He's probably just hiding from me, and who can blame him. G stays up very late, so he won't wake up for a few hours yet. So in a house full of my family, I am alone. And I don't want to be around me either.

Some good days

Monday was a decent day. It began early with Hubby showing me the huge kidney stone he passed. We had an unexpected, very welcomed visit from some dear friends. It was very cathartic to be able to talk to someone who gets me, & gets what I'm going through. Of course, by the evening that had changed. I watched far too much coverage of the tornado disaster in OK. Since Katrina, I really have to be careful about watching disaster coverage. I slept horribly - was awake til 4am, then had disturbing dreams until I got up at 11am.

Tuesday was better. G & I spent a lot of the day together. He's on a teenager's clock right now, living on about 28 hrs for a "day". So lately, many days he wasn't up til late afternoon. But it's coming around again. He's sleeping from about 6pm til 2am so he's awake when I get up. We enjoyed a lot of talking. He's been doing some writing, and has shared some of it with me. Not only is the content very good, his writing style is amazing for someone who's never had a grammar lesson. :)

I couldn't sleep again last night, even after taking a klonopin. We had terrible storms all night, so all 3 dogs ended up in bed with us. The sun is finally shining, but the yard is full of water. I'm looking forward to church tonight, mostly for the companionship. My in-real-life people will be there & I'll get plenty of much needed hugs.

6 days til I see my psychiatrist...

A bit better

So, this week has been pretty good. I've spent more time outside, which always helps. I found out we have a nesting Eastern Bluebird in our bird house. She's got the tiniest 4 blue eggs.


I also got a new bird feeder that I can see from my desk. The cardinals are loving it.


I did some gardening too, and there's just something special about getting your hands in the earth. Nothing feels quite like it.

Up & Down

So, I am still having rapid cycling bipolar crap. The lows are not as low as a few days ago (which I feel confirms my suspicion that the half margarita I had last weekend was a bad idea). It's going to be a long 18 days til my appointment.

I'm busy crocheting a blanket in stolen moments for my newest great-nephew, lil T. I hope to get to see him next week.

Good day, bad day

Today I became a great aunt for the 5th time. My oldest nephew & his wife had a baby boy this morning. It's his first child. A long awaited, long wished for child.

But the bad has overshadowed this great news. I've been deeply depressed for 2 days now, always at the point of tears. I know it's in part circumstantial. My close friend has been dealing with one bad blow after another for the past year, culminating with the death of her husband 6 months ago. It's been a hard 6 months for her, and it's been very hard to watch and unable to really help. Two weeks ago G told me he doesn't really believe in God anymore. This after a year in my church's student ministry. The first time I put my child in the hands of someone else and we were both failed miserably. Hubby's back continues to hurt him at all times, with occasional "bad" days which are coming more & more often. And of course, that's effected our finances. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that he has a job, a good job, & works for good people, but we are just making it with nothing left over.

I was able to get an appointment in 3 weeks with the best psychiatrist I've ever seen. It's been 16 years since I've seen him. I had to stop because we lost our insurance, and then we got it again, it was a plan he didn't accept. For most of that time, my meds have been managed by my GP. I've done well on the medicine I take & have been at the same dosage for almost 8 years. I hope he's willing to start with just upping my dosage. I hate starting new meds. Either way, my GP isn't comfortable adjusting my meds. That's okay, I really like the psychiatrist I'll be seeing. He actually listened to me when I had other doctors wanting to try out different meds on me. That was a horrible 3 years (98-01). When I had to go back on prescriptions in 98, the psychiatrist I was able to get in with was just horrible. I left him after 3 years. For about 2 years after that, I did well on St. John's Wort, then ended up getting my prescriptions from my GP.

I have also come to the conclusion that I cannot consume alcohol at all. Not that I've ever been much of a drinker, but I'd have the occasional glass of wine at a wedding or other celebrations (maybe twice a year). Last weekend, I had half of a margarita & I think that is part of why I feel so bad. It's like it wipes the meds right out of my system & I'm starting from scratch. I also cannot miss even 1 dose without landing in this pit, so that's why I'm hoping to just up the dosage of my current medicine. It works, but just barely.

So pray for me if you are so inclined. I'll also take positive vibes and thoughts from those of you who do not pray.