Friday the 13th

No, I am not superstitious. In fact, I expect today to be a good day. I woke up in anxiety. I have come to the decision that I need to leave my old church's Friday night recovery team. It won't be easy to tell everyone, I have some good friends there & will miss them. But it's time. The whole time I am there, I can feel & sometimes hear God saying, "why are you still here?" Two weeks ago our speaker spoke of holding onto things separating us from God. She used the context of people still wanting to follow Saul after God clearly chose David to be king instead. She asked the question, 'What are you still holding onto after God has said, "we're moving on." Without missing a beat, I hear in my head "This!, This is what you are holding onto." I've not felt comfortable there since. Since I am an assistant group leader, I can't just stop going. I have to let them know. Everyone has been gracious when finding out I've left that church, so I don't fear reactions, but it still makes me anxious. I will be giving my 2 week notice tonight, & Sept 27th will be my last trip to that church. I've found a smaller, much closer church that I am enjoying.

I've realized that, although I do believe Jesus was God in the flesh & died for all of everyone's sins & was raised from the dead, & He is a living God, there is so much else that's "biblical" that I do not agree with. I'll never find a church that I agree with 100%, maybe not even 80%. But I can take what makes sense to me & leave the rest, much like I did with parenting books. We don't live mainstream lives, and mainstream religion doesn't fit any of us. But I do enjoy being able to worship God with many people & cry out as loudly as I want to. I was a Christian long before I found a church, and I can see myself as an unchurcher again. But I do want to get to know about this church & make some friends there. My relationship with God does not exist in a building. He is always with me. I can talk to Him at any time. I feel him most in nature. Getting my hands in the earth, smelling fresh dirt, or rain, or freshly cut grass all make me feel close to Him.

Getting better all the time...

In the past almost - 3 months I've tried 4 different antidepressants. My mood stabilizer & anxiety meds have stayed the same. It got bad, and each change was worse. It seemed as the depression got better, the anxiety got worse. So I finally asked my doctor to let me go back on what I had been on for 8 years. He agreed & I have been getting better since. It's been 2 weeks now. I am feeling pretty good most of the time. My reactions are more appropriate. I am weaning down the anxiety med dosage. I don't sleep so great, but once I can fall asleep I could sleep all day. I keep trying to remember to take my medicine earlier, but it doesn't seem to matter. My body wants to sleep til noon. But, that was my "norm" before. It's just my body clock. My psychiatrist is retiring at the end of November. My GP was prescribing my meds as long as things were stable, so I am hoping he will do so again. I really don't want to look for a new psychiatrist.

I have cut most ties with my old church, without any flack. I must admit, a lot of my anxiety had been over this. I was too involved to just slip away, I had to tell people. I am still involved with the Friday night recovery program, but last week our speaker spoke about what we are holding onto after God has said, "we're moving on." I believe those meetings are what I am clinging to, and I need to let them go too. Many people there don't attend that church, but I am considered a leader there. I think one of the things that did me in there was my volunteering & having titles (and name badges). That all made it about me. I was in the loop. I wish I hadn't been, because now I know too much. I've attended a smaller church very close to home 3 times now, and I do like it. I'm not quite sure if it's where I'll stay, but I'm giving it a try.